The Child is Grown, the Dream is Gone
by In Walked Luck
Summary: Castiel figures out his attraction to Dean in the Den of Iniquity.


**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. The title comes from lyrics to "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd.

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Castiel is confused by the feeling of jealousy when he sees Dean and Anna together. He doesn't understand the stab in the pit of his stomach, or the heavy ache in his chest. He knows to look away, that not seeing them helps a little, but he's still left to wonder what it means, why he feels this way, why he … _feels_.

Castiel realises his loyalty to Dean in the green room. Understanding it, going against everything he's been taught to believe, is difficult, but somehow he knows it's right. He knows Dean is right, he knows believing in Dean is right, and he knows that trusting Dean is right. He has faith in Dean, and he knows that won't ever change.

Castiel figures out his attraction to Dean at the Den of Iniquity. Though there are many pretty women around - all of them half-naked, at that - the only beautiful person he sees is Dean. Dean, with his vivid green eyes. Dean, with his strong and capable hands. Dean, with his soul that compares to no other. And when they leave and Dean laughs - really, truly laughs - Castiel has the strange, alluring urge to kiss him.

Castiel believes in his friendship with Dean after saving him from Zachariah. Previously he thought Dean liked having him around because he was useful, and perhaps he was lonely without Sam. There was also the fact that he seemed to amuse Dean with his inability to act like a human, his inability to lose his virginity even when it was done and paid for. But when Dean looks at him on that empty highway, almost as though he really is happy to see him, Castiel knows Dean considers him a friend, and it warms him.

Castiel only begins to understand how deep in he is the day the angels bring back Adam. _Blow me, Cas_, Dean says. _Well, Cas, not for nothing, but the last person who looked at me like that, I got laid_, Dean says. _Cas_, Dean says, before banishing him. And then he goes and he tries to say yes to Michael, and it hurts, every single thing Dean does or says that's meant to hurt him, does hurt him, in a destructive and staggering way Castiel just isn't used to.

Castiel realises his love for Dean while watching him rake leaves, watching him do dishes, watching him lie in bed with to Lisa. It's not the usual kind of love - the kind of feels for Sam and Bobby and all of humanity - but a different kind; a kind that makes him ache and hunger and want. A kind that makes him resent Heaven and all of his responsibilities.

Castiel wonders if perhaps Dean loves him back after he begs him to deny working with Crowley. Castiel can't do it - he can't lie to Dean - so he says nothing, and he sees Dean's eyebrows raise, sees the pain in his eyes. And he can feel it, too; he has to look away, but he can feel all of Dean's pain, all of his grief, and hears the catch in Dean's voice as he calls him a son of a bitch. And it's all so _personal_ - the looks, his voice, his grave hurt at Castiel's betrayal - that having Sam and Bobby there feels like an invasion of privacy, unwanted witnesses to a lovers' spat.

Castiel knows that Dean loves him when his memory comes back. Emmanuel, and everything that came with him, leaves, and everything real comes back in an instant. And it's not when Dean hands him his coat that he understand how Dean feels, it's the moment he remembers, because he remembers it all at once - every memory, ever conversation, every feeling - and, looking at it all at once, he simply _knows_, deep in his heart, that Dean loves him.

Castiel feels Dean's love for him in purgatory. Previously he had considered the possibility of it, known it was there, but ignored it in favour of helping Sam, and then forgotten about it while his mind was … scattered. But in purgatory, with Dean's prayers invading his mind every night, it's easy to remember, to know. And when Dean finds him - when Dean _hugs_ him - Castiel feels guilty and worried and _loved_.

Castiel is content in his friendship with Dean when Dean escapes purgatory. He has a lot to make up for - in Heaven, to Sam, mostly to Dean - and the only way he can do that is by staying in purgatory. But it's not just that; Dean was happy to see him in purgatory, and Castiel honestly doesn't remember the last time Dean was anything close to happy where he was concerned. He knows that he will just make a mess of things again if he returns to Earth - do something else horrendous enough to make Dean hate him - so he stays behind, with the memory of Dean and small touches to his chin and hugs that make him feel.

Castiel is sure that Dean loves him, but only becomes aware of the mutual attraction upon his return from purgatory. He's not as naïve as Dean thinks, and he knows what Dean's doing as his gaze roams over him, knows what that slight nod and half-smile means, and definitely knows why Dean is … adjusting his position on the seat. Castiel has to do his utmost best to ignore the thrill it shoots through him.

Castiel has hope for him and Dean and a possible relationship in Oklahoma City. It's silly, he knows. Silly and childish and outright nonsensical, but there's an air of familiarity between them, a feeling of closeness and acceptance that was never there before. Dean wants Castiel to stick with him and Sam. Dean is happy - freaking thrilled - Castiel is back. Dean wants to talk with Castiel - about _feelings_. Castiel thinks it might be the best place they've ever been.

Castiel knows in the Men of Letters bunker that he's let Dean down one to many times. Dean is angry, hurt, betrayed … again. And it's all Castiel's fault. Again. What had been talking and caring and the occasional warm look when he first escaped purgatory, has turned into everything Castiel had been hoping to avoid by staying in purgatory.

Castiel can't bring himself to burden Dean after he falls - can't bring himself to see the look of disappointment on Dean's face, can't bring himself to admit to Dean that he made another mistake, can't bring himself to be the useless third wheel to Dean and his brother. So he walks and he wanders and he thinks about Dean a great deal. Thinks about Dean and the hug he gave him in purgatory. Thinks about Dean and the looks they used to share. Thinks about Dean and hopes Dean is thinking about him.

END.


End file.
